he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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