I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
