I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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