Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
