On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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