My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
