a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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