hotel room ftw
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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