Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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