my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
