If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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