nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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