honey bunches of taint.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
