I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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