3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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