I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
