The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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