I met the friendliest cop last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
