even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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