she told me i tasted like america
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
