I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
