NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize