ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
