Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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