Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dick very happy bro
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
