i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
