This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
