Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
