When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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