my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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