im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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