Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
