I puked a lego.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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