I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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