Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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