There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
