It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
