i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
