I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
