my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
