I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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