Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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