I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
