i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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