I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
