i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
