You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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