the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
we're so committed to being not committed
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