i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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