well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
