i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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