Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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