positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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