WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
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I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My feet surprised me
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