so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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