I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
