I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
