I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
